If God is salvation and God is my judge. Then I can let go and say God take me away if you need me somewhere else. I can say “God, if I don’t deserve to be in this world anymore, take me out.” And if God does nothing, keeps me right in the same place where I begged for death. Let it be a sign that I am right where I’m supposed to be. Let it be a sign that I don’t have to keep searching to escape.
Stop trying to go somewhere to feel better. You’re already there.
Stop trying to change things that are out of your control. You can only control yourself.
If your mind starts to race at the thought of controlling yourself. Slow down the process and breathe.
…
…
…Breathe.
…
…
…Breathe.
…
…
…Breathe.
That inner voice that was turned against you will guide you back to where you are supposed to be. You will be free from listening and obeying that inner voice that slowly became your enemy. You will slowly get control over it again.
When you feel more in control of your thoughts.
Let that voice be your guide, your teacher, your master again. Be a good student. Be a good listener.
Learn to know when that inner voice is testing you, and when it is guiding you.
Listen for the difference.
If the voice is testing you, seeing if you’ll fall into sin again, show the voice you are in control.
If it is clear the voice is guiding you towards your goals. Towards who you want to become. Follow it without hesitation.
Are you straight edge? Do you go on forever in a straight line? Or do you have corners that you don’t want to reveal?
Are you a perfect square after doing right four times? Or are you a maze doing right randomly through life and never ending back at the place you started? How long does it take you to get back to the beginning?
When you were good? Innocent? Pure of heart?
Can you go ever go back to the feeling of security your mom brought to this world when you were little? The feeling that someone is always watching over you and wanting what’s best for you? When there is so much pain, bloodshed and bigotry in the world you are right now?
Have you turned to God and screamed where the fuck are you?
Have you turned on God and said I don’t need you anymore. I got my own god. Oh my god. Is this how religions are started?
When someone creates their own god in their head and wants others to follow them?
Fuck that. This is MY god.
They aren’t everything or close to perfect…but they are Love, Good and the Truth.
And if there is a God above mine. I will let the universe judge if I’ve been following someone false.
Go ahead and make your own god inside your head. Make them simple. Easy to follow. And let’s see if they meet together sometime.
Take down the systems that are keeping us from thriving.
This world is run on a bunch of lies. It’s time to tear down and rebuild these corrupt systems run by the soulless. Build a better world.
A world where being true gets rewarded. Where confessing the hardest truths and giving in is compensated instead of punished.
All this time I was finding myself, and I didn’t know I was lost.
Jesus F. Christ here. I learned that is what I’m referred to now, especially when something amazingly good or bad happens.
So now I am this boy, we will just call him Draven.
Anyways he prayed that I, Jesus F. Christ, take over because it’s too hard to be good in this world. Let me tell you, while it is easy to avoid substances when you’re a kid, other addictions are being sold to these kids at a bargain price.
In fact, for the small price of one white lie of saying clicking with your mouse that you are over the age of 18 on the internet you can start a life long addiction to something that is NSFL.
Jesus F. Christ.
Before it was all just fantasizing in your mind. But now it’s so easy to see ANYTHING you want with REAL PEOPLE. Or digital/AI if that’s your cup of tea. Violence or sexual. Or sexual violence. NSFL content is just a couple clicks or white lies away. Some think that an extra entry requirement with a valid license will do away with this, but we all know that we are way passed that.
Hell, sometimes you don’t even need to click. You just gotta get home in time for Primer Impacto at 5pm and get a bunch of NSFL content right to you. Along with a nice horoscope of all the possibilities that might happen in your life. Or maybe a plate of lies from your favorite news syndicate on how the other side is ruining your life.
But anyways, it’s just normal now. Depending on how depressed we are we make time for it in our day.
It’s funny when the comedians seem to be more real than the newscasters.
Can’t stop, addicted to the shindig. (Red Hot Chili Peppers)
But,
The world is ending, I’m done pretending. And fuck you if you get offended. (Kendrick Lamar)
And the rain will kill us all. If we throw ourselves against the wall. But no one else can see. The preservation of the martyr in me.
Fake anti-fascist lie. I tried to tell you, but your purple hearts are giving out. (Slipknot)
Seriously. Where are they? And does it even matter?
Or did they leave the world running like a watch? Was it supposed to be running perfectly forever?
Because all the bloodshed, hate and bigotry has got me fucking lost.
Does he ever need to check the watch and change the batteries? Does he have specialists he goes to get it fixed?
Are we, humans, the specialists he seeks? Are we supposed to be like God? Unrelenting Truth and Love? Or is unrelenting too strong of a word? God is not soft though I know that.
We all have the capability to be true, real, love. Not be false, fake, hate.
But here we go again with the fucking mathematics.
What’s the math I need to make me better? What’s the math I need to heal me? What’s the mathematics needed to save the fucking world?
Because I am not the Anti-Christ. But I sure as fuck know I ain’t Christ.
I believe Jesus was just a dude that thought he was God. That he believed it fully though. Because everybody told him that he was God. So he ended up a delusional fool that thought he could change the world. And he was crucified for that. I believe he was a truly good person.
But again…I ain’t Christ. I try my best to do good. But its so easy in this world to miss the mark and be bad. But how do you go from bad to badass?
My bad. How do you go from evil to good? Put your hands up if you’ve thought wrong. Put your hands up if you’ve been a liar. Put your hands up if you’ve thought of ending it all.
Put your hands up if you like it raw (the truth). Put your hands up if you’ve felt alive. Put your hands up if you’ve thought of starting over fresh as hell.
OR spicy as heaven? Just trying to keep everything even here.
I know Jesus is supposed to come back but he’s taking too fucking long. Can you reading this take his spot for a bit while we wait?
If God is dead for you. The world is going to be difficult. Incredibly challenging. But if you keep going. Keep doing what is right, without God.
God will come help regardless. Or it might just be yourself in a different form.
At the very last second, when you really fucking need it. When you are so fucking confused. So fucking lost. So done with life. That you want to just fucking end it they’ll wake you the fuck up.
Wake you up that you yourself are worth saving. They’ll let you know that you have the ability to be so fucking good. That you’ve been sent down to help. That you’re a fucking soldier.
No angel. No wings.
Do your job. Be good. Because you are good. And good…when it’s good. Can’t fuck anything up.
God is an umbrella. Protecting you from getting soaked from the tears from above. Some people only have one umbrella. Some just use one every once in a while and don’t even know how it works.
Personally,I’m here to destroy evil. Mostly within myself…but if I see outside I might say a few things.
Stay out of my fucking way. Or come light the world up along my side.
How do we know if we are getting closer to the truth? Which truth am I talking about? I am talking about revealing the voice in your head to the world.
The one that has been guiding you since childhood. Some people claim they don’t hear one which makes me think they have not defined that voice as a voice. More as just a thought. Or maybe they don’t think in voices.
But mine I believe used to just be the voice of my Mom. No hagas eso Josue. Haz bien Danny.
But slowly that voice just became my own. The voice guided me towards being a MOSTLY honest person. But not completely honest. Because the voice kept being exposed to darker corners and crueler thoughts I did not want to expose to others. It was easier to be the quiet kid with dark thoughts.
But I quickly learned I could be honest with all the things I’ve hidden within me. But as I grew closer to certain people like my mother, significant others, and friends. Those dark corners of my mind got revealed. That I am not as clean as I act.
And that’s what I’m trying to do now. To not act anymore. To become myself and not be scared of what I’ve experienced.
But it’s hard because I can sense all the rejection that might come along with it.
Or maybe I’m exaggerating. Maybe I can start something where everyone becomes a little more real by reading this.
I am not going to overexpose myself. But I will open some blinds so people could see that they are not alone with these thoughts.
I have harmed people with my lies. I am now doing my best to heal with the truth.
This voice inside of me wants do what’s right.
It feels so fucking good right now.
But I know I can be better. A little better each day.
And if I end up worse a few days…
I can just turn around go back to being a little better.
Never end it on a loss. If you win keep the streak going as long as you can.
Songs On Repeat Natural – Moe Shop, Ace Hashimoto Instant Crush (Drumless) – Daft Punk, Julian Cassablancas Cardiac Arrest – Bad Suns Levels – Avicii The opposite of good is evil.
This led me to a fear of what the opposite of me is. The things I can’t control, for example: What takes over when I black out drunk? What takes over if I start sleepwalking? What happens when I lose myself? What is the animal inside of me?
I’ve been so fucking lost before.
But I think I am really getting close to living a life that is so real. By only speaking in facts, truths, my code, and everything I have defined. Unfortunately, I have done shit in my past that prevents me from responding to some simple yes or no questions. But I know I’m not alone in that fact.
I’ll admit right here if someone asks me in an interview if I’ve ever been fired from a job I will say “No I haven’t”. But the truth is I was “let go” after a couple weeks for being too slow at a veterinary clinic. That is just one example of a simple lie I have to do to survive in this world.
I’ve had several addictions, obsessions, and vices that keep from feeling like I can be myself. But as of about a week ago, the only things that I feel are modifying my actions are coffee to get going in the morning, and the playlists on Spotify I listen to almost religiously throughout my days.
I know we hide ourselves because there’s few people that can willingly admit the dark thoughts in their mind. It’s why it is sometimes refreshing when someone says the quiet part out loud.
But there are people that say the quiet part out loud to a fault. There are certain thoughts that need to be kept in your head and modified before revealing it to the world. Not all thoughts should be brought into reality.
It’s sometimes better to keep to yourself and only speak in facts. Than speaking in truths to cover lies.
Admit the code you live by. Here’s mine. Sway’s Code
#0: Do your best to do good and be honest, but be light as a feather. You are free to do good and say truths. If you do evil and lie, you will be trapped in a cage inside your own mind.
#1: (Golden Rule) Treat others the way you would want to be treated by them. Imagine yourself in there shoes as much as you can.
#2: Only make promises you can keep to yourself and to those you love. Do not make excuses, be honest about why promises get broken.
#3: When you hurt someone. Do everything you can to make it right. Turning yourself in to the person you hurt if possible. Asking a higher power to forgive you should be the last resort because you as a decent human being should try to heal what you have damaged.
#4: You’re allowed to start over anytime and live a better/good life. But if your past catches up with you, you will need to confront it with love, honesty and humility.
#5 Save and judge yourself before doing it to others.
#6 Be an OFB. Open fucking/flipping book. But make sure to edit the things that need to be edited. Find someone you trust to help you edit the parts out of you that need adjusting.
#7 While being an OFB. Define all your words and phrases as completely as possible. You never know when misunderstandings can happen.
Songs currently on repeat Ratchet – Bloc Party Kettling – Bloc Party Are We Still Young – Grant, Juneau ___________________________________________________
I’m figuring out that in order to stay true to my word. I gotta speak less. There are so many small things I “promise” but never get around to doing. I’m going to practice by doing my best to keep to my word on these Sunday blogs.
Right now…I’m really feeling making a little cover/song based on Kettling by Bloc Party. I’m gonna at least start the process today. I will see how it goes this week by messing around with Korgie.
Also, just focusing on the present. Fuck the past and fuck the future. I’m here now. I just gotta redefine what is NOW.
Know what you know and what you don’t know. Know what you’re good at and what you’re terrible at.
Know what you love… what you obsess over… what you get addicted to.
Break yourself down. Then build yourself back up.
But try your best to not do it alone. Because there are people that know parts of you better than you know yourself. There is no shame in asking for help.
But if you are adamant about doing it yourself. Be light as a feather with yourself. Change takes time. It’s not always best to track when you’re messing up.
It’s better when you can honestly say “it’s been a while” without being specific. Than lie to others that you aren’t going through something really difficult.
It’s been a while since I’ve blacked out drunk.
It’s been a while since I’ve greened out from marijuana.
It’s been a while since I’ve lusted over someone I shouldn’t…
unless you count Shakira…then it’s been like a couple minutes.
LEVELING DOWN IS A LIVING DOCUMENT ABOUT LIFE AND DEATH, LIGHT AND DARKNESS, LOVEAND DAMAGE.
Ignore the real.
Learn to love the unreal.
Reality is unreal.
CLOUDS
When looking at clouds, remember two people can agree they both see Dumbo,
but not necessarily in the same pose
Sometimes they are pointing at different clouds
Sometimes he’s flying
Or laying down
But his ears are always unmistakable
Sometimes we act like we see the same exact thing, just to get closer to one another
Same with stars. The patterns to get to the same shape are almost never identical
But it’s nice when two beings see the same exact pattern
When we can map out the exact constellation we want them to look at
When two souls understand they are having the same train of thought
When they are completely in sync
For a moment…
They become one.
Lucía Díaz
[Redacted]
I lost myself in a way that I will never forget. Trust in my friend shattered, because she knew the amount of stuff she put in front of me was no joke. There is no way she didn’t know I was going to completely lose myself from what she put in front of me.
But something else shattered as well. The experience made me realize that I create the world around me more subjectively than I previously thought. That my mind is more powerful than I ever imagined, and that I don’t need to be sleeping for it to take me to some other place away from earth.
It made me realize that the diagnosis my father had, was a battle with this fact. The things he always said he heard and saw– I finally somewhat understood. After my paranoia faded away and Claudia was snoring, I queued up “The Finch Declaration” comedy stand-up on her TV.
“…everything’s funny, ‘til it happens to you.” – Pavel Padleech
MORNING AFTER
LD
I’m unsure if I got a second of sleep last night. Don’t remember my eyes ever shutting down. A sliver of light slips through the curtains and alerts me that daybreak began at some point. The constant sneezing from not vacuuming my room did not help with getting any rest. My room turned into a mess over the course of the year. I want to get a clean start, but unsure how. It takes me the entire morning to gather up the will to get up.
The turtle lamp above my bed has it’s shell glowing a nice shade of orange. A few tissues are in Claudia’s pajamas I’m still wearing. I quickly wipe my nose and notice my tiny trash can is filled. I forgot I broke my glasses the night before. None of my clothes are folded, just thrown into a dirty pile and clean pile. My red and yellow Nirvana t-shirt is on top of the dirty pile…but I’m positive I hadn’t worn it. After a couple sniffs of the shirt, I slip it on with some jeans and walk out of my room.
The lights in Dad’s room are off. Not entirely sure if Alma is in there with him or not because I didn’t see her car in the driveway. The comfort that I see in my Dad with Alma is something I long for. It’s just been hard while I am trying to figure out what the hell my next path is. The haze continues, and though I am not seeing things I shouldn’t anymore, something still feels off.
I go for a bike ride around Julian Park before work. Called out of work and told them I had a bit of a rough night and that I’d come in around noon. It’s a nice Chinese cultural garden with a few small man-made lakes and fountains. There’s a small temple that no one’s allowed into on the opposite corner of the entrance. I walk over to the broken wooden bench with graffiti all over it, right outside of the temple. My hand scribbles as many thoughts into my black notebook as I could fit. Attempting to make sense of why I’m still unsatisfied with how my life is going, even though nothing is truly wrong.
I’ve been living from paycheck to paycheck, mooching off my dad. Something has to change. Some sort of forward movement, not stagnancy. After a year of therapy to treat my anxieties and some meditation practice, I could finally make my mind become still— but only for small moments. Dr. Yin just prescribed me some new drug to put me to sleep. I mentioned to him I couldn’t remember the last time I had dreamt at all.
One of the first dreams I remember was me sitting on a bright orange bench with the number 35 written in the middle with blue paint. The bench faced an enormous crystal clear lake…might have been an ocean. I held hands with someone I knew was important to me. I couldn’t make out exactly who it was, I didn’t want to face them and ruin everything. It was a bit overcast, sprinkling, a little cold. My head rested on their shoulder, tapping my fingers on the back of their hand as I held it. A pattern 1324354152. Their words echoed…
“This feels nice, doesn’t it Lucia?”
There was some innocuous conversation in the middle; some giggling; some silence. Forgot how I got to the bench in the first place and didn’t care. Just happy I was there.
I tried to hold on to the moment for as long as I could, but I couldn’t hold back the tears. An air of melancholy surrounded me. The sounds of birds stopped, and the ripples in the water almost froze as I did my best to slow down time.
Their next words lingered.
“What’s wrong?”
I held on for as long as I could, tapping the back of their knuckles in the same pattern. I could not take it anymore, the words were pried out of me, I whimpered—
“I know this isn’t real. Who are you?”
The hand fades away along with the warmth it gave me. The lake transforms into an abyss along with the ground at the edge. The bench floats in an ether and my feet dangle—failing to find the earth below.
It’s just me.
Everything blends.
Edited 1/16/2024
Upsidedown (Cover) – For when your feet can’t find the ground.
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Real Life and Dead Dreams 