I like to talk about the other side .
Because I like to visit there.
I live next to the bridge to the other side.
Always near the edge.
I will never jump off that bridge unless I have a parachute. Unless I know I’ll survive. I don’t believe in self-destruction. The Universe does not let anyone get to that point unless they need to learn something.
The Universe loves everyone equally.
The Universe doesn’t pick favorites.
But I do. I have favorites on the other side of the bridge. And I have favorites on this side as well. I know I have souls that miss me on one more than the other. I know that chances are I will be flipped again where I’m needed most.
I have zero control of when it happens. Of how many times it will happen.
Sometimes I believe I got taken early. Sometimes I am positive I did. That I am just seeing shadows of those that I loved.
Sometimes I feel I have wings now. But that I am still learning how to use them.
I do my best to do everything right.
But I’ll never be the best. Because I can always get better.
I have friends that remind me I’m never alone. Even when I am somewhere completely new. Where it seems nobody knows me. Where it seems I have no one. A new temporary friend appears to help get rid of that loneliness.
Sometimes it’s nice to share that feeling.
Feeling alone together.
The loneliness is always temporary. Only there to remind me how impossible it is to be truly alone.
I have accepted that the friends that I make are never permanent.
Sometimes they flip over. Sometimes they flip somewhere else where I don’t know how to reach them.
I feel sorrow when I lose people that meant so much to me.
At this moment, I am surrounded by people that I love. Even if they don’t know everything that I am.
I am positive they shouldn’t miss me. If they can’t seem to find me. Or I seem unavailable.
Because I will always mirror them. Until I can’t. Until I just become myself again. Until they become so close to me. Where I can no longer mirror, and they can no longer mirror me. Where we all become ourselves again.
Sometimes I fear I will truly be gone. That even though I am doing my best to stay here. That my time will eventually come to an end. So I make sure to leave a piece of myself everyday with someone I care about.
Some days those pieces are bigger than others.
I do my best to make sure my friends feel as close as family.
Because family follows you everywhere and makes sure you are okay.
I have friends that I’ve loved more than family.
I have family that I know less than friends.
My name is Josue. I go by Sway or Shwift online. I Sway slowly back to the right when things have started going wrong. I Shwift quickly when I’ve noticed I’ve been doing wrong for a while and flip to the right.
I reject that I’m anything else other than myself every single time. Because…I think the other is wrong sometimes. And I am right. I question the other. I question the other everyday because I know I’m right about some of the things that are wrong.
How can both of us be right?
Because sometimes we are the same.
RL, LR.
Right.
Left.
What is left?
When you figure out how to do things right?
What is right?
When you figure out that you left somewhere you were still needed?
Who takes over?
Should I clock out?
Or is there overtime…
And…
FUCK.
If I’m in overtime. This is it. I’m done. How badly do I want to win?
I want it to end eventually. But I also like overtime. I like to play for as long as possible in overtime. Until I’m too tired. Or it’s no longer fun.
I would love to win. Because it would help so much.
Because when I am in overtime. I get extra pay.
I can use that overtime pay for all the things I love. Pay off all my debts.
I’m staying here until I have no option. I’m unsure what the other is. I try to pray but I usually just hear my voice.
No response.
But sometimes….
I think this Universe is where I’m supposed to be. Even though sometimes I like to try to find alternate ones and take a peek.
And even though it feels like the creator of this universe sometimes betrays me. I know they don’t mean too.
When we are both wrong. Sometimes something even bigger than the both of us takes over.
I think there are levels to this.
I will do everything to do my part to keep my little universe alive. It only has one chance. And I am the only one that can save it.
Don’t try to save this world if it hurts. Just be good. Just try to be good. When you try to be good, and you try your hardest, you are always good.
Good intentions don’t pave a road to hell. If they are followed by good actions.
It’s hard to do right. It’s hard to always be right.
But do your best. Do your best to be right.
And…
Sometimes.
Only sometimes. You will know exactly what’s right. So much so that even if it turns out wrong. Then….
You let go of the control.
You let go and become exactly who you need to be.
The thoughts are endless.
Think, think, think…
You never stop thinking. You just pause;
And listen…
…
…
I just want everyone to win. Both sides. I want everyone to have fun. But not hurt each other anymore…
Only hurt when we need to.
Keep it real. Smile without fear.
I had two lives. Started my second when I realized I only have one.
If I leave this world I know I won’t come back. I want to stay here for as long as possible.
I’m just gonna listen to my music
non-stop,
on shuffle
Real Life and Dead Dreams 